I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
