and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
