I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
