Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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