NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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