did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
