Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
