he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
