I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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