the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
