our cab driver is having phone sex.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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