been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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