Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
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