her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
