there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
