got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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