phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My vagina is very pro this idea
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
