Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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