I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
