Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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