Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i drank out of a bidet.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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