i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
