I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
