This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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