Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
True strength comes from lack of pants
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
