Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
