Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
