there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
