I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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