his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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