Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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