I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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