oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
