Don't make out with my wife yet
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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