You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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