Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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