connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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