If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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