I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
