I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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