I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he's gonorrhea incarnate
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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