how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize