dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
