so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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