first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
