It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
