recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
