I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
