i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
