hell yes lets make some ravioli
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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