i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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