I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
