If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Let's get the cat blown out
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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