He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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