youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
