I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
