so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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