Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
