i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think your dad took our porno
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
