Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Randomize
