You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
