He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
