Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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