Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Randomize
