i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My ass is underappreciated
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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